41 days of running
The truth is, I’ve always been an “I hate running person.” Remember running the mile-for-time in middle school and high school for PE? For me, it was the thing of nightmares, utterly embarrassing at that age, and physically felt impossible. I often ended up walking part of the way, or I’d do whatever I could to get out of it.
But here I am, heading into my 11th week of my second semester of grad school, and my 12th week of running. When I first got started, I couldn’t remember the last time I had a consecutive movement routine. I've struggled to stay motivated to move my body regularly since quitting CrossFit 4 years ago. But as a person with a diagnosed anxiety disorder (OCD), movement is essential to keeping my mind clear and my body regulated, especially during times of higher amounts of stress. While CrossFit paved the way for many health benefits, it also created a perfect storm for a disordered fixation on food intake and calories in versus calories out. While orthorexia is not a disorder recognized formally, I understand that it’s something I definitely battled for many years. Our society values, incentivizes, and rewards people for “healthy choices and lifestyles.” And I was all in at the time on “winning” at health. It’s really common for people who become sober from substances like I did from alcohol, to become obsessed with another thing in their life. Because weight lifting, for the most part, is a much better choice over binge-drinking, I was able to rationalize my hyper vigilance around movement and food intake.
With consideration of my history of disordered thinking about exercise and amid the oppressive end-of-August heat, I began running again. I'm using an app that helps my body gradually adjust to running by alternating walking and running intervals. The app feature I enjoy most is the cue for when to run and when to walk. I'm not training for a specific race, distance, or time. I’m just running. Some days slower, some days faster.
But most importantly, I’m enjoying it. I spend much more time sitting these days while doing school work, and my running breaks have become something I look forward to. Here’s how I am showing up differently for my body:
What I'm NOT doing:
Counting calories in or out of my body
Keeping track of distance
Running for weight loss or weighing myself
Labeling food that I consume as good or bad
What I AM doing:
Staying mindful during my movement (also for safety- no ear buds, but I play my music and app cues out loud)
Starting slow and repeating the routines from the app when I need to until I feel comfortable moving on to the next level
Stretching before and after I run
Investing in quality running shoes
Cheering myself on out loud as I go! Positive self-talk helps
Prioritizing eating within an hour of waking, before I run
One of my favorite things about these runs is the unexpected pockets of joy I have discovered. One day, a colony of feral cats eyed me from the edge of someone’s yard (they had clipped ears, which means they were fixed). I’ve enjoyed noticing the neighbors' fall and Halloween decor. I’ve gotten to know a woman who walks daily around the time that I usually run. We always say hello now, and she cheers me on :) While at first I found it annoying, I’ve gotten used to it and look forward to seeing a chihuahua mix named Peanut who chases and barks at me every time I round HIS cul-de-sac. I make sure to pay attention to and document every nature treasure I come across. I make it my goal to try to notice something different on my route every time I hit the pavement. Today was run 41, and I am looking forward to tomorrow, day 42 so I guess I’m a runner now, and I don’t hate it:)
